Sunday Best: Pretty Little Liar edition

I guess Ellie decided she didn't like the sacrament bread because when they came around today, she told the young man that her mommy doesn't want her to take the bread. Then when the same young man bypassed her when it came time to serve the water, her reaction was pretty comical. She yelled, "Oh man!" and slapped her hand to her forehead. She was pretty mad. But not as mad as I was when her Uncle Mark told me why she didn't get served the sacrament today. Such a liar, my daughter. I even told her that her nose would grow every time she told a lie, but all that has done is caused her to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror, gingerly touching her nose.

You'll shoot your eye out!

Today I threatened Ellie that I was going to wash her mouth out with soap. As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized the error of my ways. I really try hard not to issue threats that I can’t follow through on. How exactly does one wash a mouth out with soap? My mom was forever threatening to do so, but I don’t recall it ever happening. I know from watching The Christmas Story that a bar of soap is involved, but all we have is liquid soap around here. Could I pump some into her mouth? But what if she swallowed it? Wouldn’t it make her sick? It was a ridiculous thing to say, but I was just caught off guard by her sudden obsession with the word p.enis.

It all started a week ago when Ellie was watching me change Jack’s diaper. She started saying things like, “Look at his sporg. That’s a funny sporg Jack has!” Ellie makes up words for things she doesn’t know or remember the name of. I wasn’t sure what she was talking about because I was busy trying to keep Jack from wriggling out of my grasp. Then she said, “It looks like he has a little hot dog in there!” Oh shoot. At first I attempted to explain to her how little boys have wee-wees and little girls have tee-tees. It sounded so ridiculous saying it aloud, so I decided to be mature about it and explained that boys are different from girls because boys have p.enises and girls have v.aginas. At this point, Tom, who had been listening to the whole conversation from his seat at the computer, was all “Abort! Abort!” And from that day forward, Ellie discovered the power of the word p.enis. I refuse to be the parent whose child teaches all the other 4 year olds in preschool the word p.enis. So after hearing Ellie bring it up over and over again (even after having the whole “we don’t talk about private parts and we don’t let people touch our private parts” discussion), I finally snapped and issued the soap-in-mouth threat. Afterwards, I was all “When did I turn into my mother?” And then I felt the need to blog it. Because surely this is some sort of parenting milestone I will want to remember?

Of all the yards, in all the towns, in all the world, she digs into mine

Friday afternoon. I arrive home from a long, stressful day at school. I go open the back door, expecting to see Kali and am startled by TWO dogs in my back yard. We keep our back gate padlocked. But this extra dog decided to dig underneath the gate and make herself at home in our back yard. No ma'am, I said, I do NOT want another dog. Didn't Kali tell you what sorry pet owners we are? Go dig under some other sucker's fence.

I lure her out of my yard and fill in the hole with dirt (throwing in a brick for extra measure). However, since she looks so thin, I decide to give her a little food and water before sending her on her way (bad idea, bad!). I wake up Saturday morning, bright and early as I have dyslexia training all day and go outside to give Kali some fresh food and water. Surprise, surprise...we have company.

So, now I have to deal with making posters and trying to find her family (or a family). I can't take her to a shelter since most don't adopt out pits and I worry she will be put to sleep. But I refuse to get attached! I will refer to her as "dog" and I won't let those pretty golden eyes or sweet temperament sway me!

UPDATE: After spending my morning breaking up a fight between the dogs (in which my work clothes got all muddy), hammering in rebarb, and dragging the dog igloo in front of the gate, I now HATE the stray dog!

Dear Jack: Month Eleven

Dear Jack,

Today you are eleven months old. What? When did this happen? Where is that tiny baby I brought home from the hospital just yesterday? You look more and more like a little boy every day. Especially since you prefer standing to sitting, cruising to crawling. You want to throw balls and slam doors. You feed yourself table foods and drink out of a sippy cup. When I tell you "no" you throw yourself down in perfect pouting position and cry as if I have hurt your feelings irreparably. When someone takes something from you, you scream angrily until it is returned.

Your favorite place to play these days is with your sister's little, red kitchen. So many cabinet doors that you can open and shut, open and shut. Your second favorite toy is your sister's old Dora car. You figured out that you can walk behind pushing it or, even better, you can sit on it and push yourself backwards into the wall so you can rock bach and forth, back and forth. You are still a rocking machine and I would start to worry about autism except that your daddy still rocks, too.

You love bathtime and will splash and wiggle about with joy. You like to dunk your face in the water and then turn and give me a toothy grin. You now have 8 teeth, but judging from the way you have been acting lately, you may be getting 1 (or 5) more.

Jack, you are simply thriving. You are healthy and happy, roly-poly and tall, strong and fast. It takes all of my energy just to keep up with you. I love watching you grow and transform into the man you will someday become. As long as you remember that you will always be my sweet baby boy.

I love you forever,

Mama

Random bullets of a lazy blogger

• Jack started free standing and took his first two unsteady steps last week!
• Ellie changed her name to Flora yesterday and would not answer to anything else...until today when she forgot all about her new name. Kind of like when she changed it to "Cactus" last year.
• Ellie informed me that Nikes weren't "cool" and that she wanted Sketchers. Please tell me that we aren't starting that already? Is she going to suddenly start refusing to wear all her Target clothes, too?
• I had Open House at my school this week and not a single parent showed up. Because of the subject (and students) that I teach, I am used to only getting a few parents, but this was my first year to get none. Kind of sad.
• I have to make sure our bathroom doors are shut at all times because Jack is obsessed with toilet paper. Not unrolling it, like a normal baby, but eating it. It is his favorite snack.
• Also, Jack is getting even fatter because they feed him nonstop at daycare. I am talking the meals they feed to the older kids, plus the baby food I send, and three bottles of formula! He has pretty much doubled in size this past month. He outgrew all of his 12 month outfits and is in 18mo-2T. Maybe I should just let him fill up on toilet paper instead.
• I miss blogging and reading blogs. I miss being a stay-at-home mom. I miss being able to stay up late and sleep in past 5am. Is it summer yet?