Dear Jack on your 17th Birthday

 

Dear Jack,

Happy birthday! Today you are 17! Although you have basically been telling me you are 17 all school year...particularly when I express concern about letting you go do something. You seem to want so desperately to be independent and grown. The feeling of you pulling away the past few years has been palpable and hard for this mother’s heart to accept. But I know that is what parenting is…trying to raise your kids so they can go out into the world on their own to contribute to society.

You have already proven yourself to be a hard worker. You currently work for a commercial landscaping company and spend long, hard days under the brutal Texas sun, but you never complain.

You are so considerate, always thanking me for making dinner and asking me about my day. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and awareness. You are also kind to your little brother, who is not very little anymore.

I have always worried that you internalize negative thoughts or comments and don’t seem to believe or see the positive things people say and feel about you. This past year, there have been some significant bumps in the road...all part of growing up, but still difficult to navigate. I like to journal my thoughts and feelings on the Notes app on my phone, and I recently wrote one about you that I want to include here in your birthday letter:

“This chapter of life we are in is a difficult read.

But I want you to know…

I love you when you are angry.

I love you when you are lost.

I love you when you are unrecognizable.

I love you.

Always.”

Jack, the day you were born was one of the happiest days of my life. You are such an integral part of our family. I love you so very much, and I am proud to call you my son.

Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Love,

Mom

Dear Jack at 15

Dear Jack,

Today you are 15 years old. Sometimes I think of you as much older. You are so tall and strong now.  Your voice is deeper, and you have the vocabulary and quick wit of someone much older. I still miss that little boy who loved to snuggle, but I have loved watching you grow into the amazing young man you are today. You have a unique ability to see the good in people, and to make those around you feel seen and appreciated.

This year you started high school. You have been waking up early every morning to go to cross country practice; something you don't love to do, but I feel you have made some good friends on the team. I worry that I nag you too much about school work. The stakes feel so much higher now that you are in high school. It doesn't help that your dad and I are both teachers and have seen it all. You are so smart and talented - I want you to have all the opportunities and options available when you graduate. I struggle with trying to balance being a good parent while still allowing you to have independence.  As you become more and more independent, I hope you know that I will still always be here for you...no matter what.  You have my unconditional love and support, and nothing will ever change that.

Happy birthday, my Jack. I love you more than words can say.

Mom

Dear Jack at 14

Dear Jack,

Today you are 14 years old!  Normally I would say, “I can’t believe you are 14,” but I actually feel like you have been 14 for a long time. You have always been mature for your age. You aren’t the typical middle school boy, even though you like to do typical middle school boy stuff. 

You love to talk to your friends and play video games for hours. 

You are addicted to your cell phone (although so am I).

  You have gotten into working out and have some serious muscles. 

 But I think middle school has also been a little rough for you (I know it has been for me) and I am glad this is your last year of it.  Even though I desperately miss the little boy who would come to me with his cuddles and tears, I love watching the young man you are becoming.  You can be so thoughtful and insightful.  You are still the kid who has an uncanny ability to read people and understand them.  You do have your dad’s dark sense of humor, though, which I also appreciate.

Jack, sometimes I worry that you take the guidance and corrections I give as a parent and internalize it as criticisms of you as a person.  I wish you could read my mind or feel the tremendous love I have for you.  When I became a parent, I realized for the first time what it is to love someone unconditionally.  It is immeasurable and almost impossible to explain.  Just know that I see you, I love you, and I will ALWAYS be here for you.  No matter what.

Happy birthday, my Jack. 

Love,

Mom

Dear Jack on Your 13th Birthday

 Dear Jack,

Happy birthday to my teenager!  Even after I made you promise over and over that you wouldn't turn into a teenager, you went and did it anyway.  Thanks a lot.  Just kidding, you are actually a pretty impressive teenager.  You are kind, observant, wickedly funny, so incredibly smart, and just such a cool kid.  

This last year has been a big adjustment for us as your parents.  You want your independence so badly, and I still desperately want to protect you and take care of you.  I want you to know that when we correct you or give you restrictions, we are only doing so with your best interest in mind.  I love you more than you can possibly imagine.  I take my job as your mom very seriously.  I know I mess up a lot, but I am trying every day to be a better mom...because it is my favorite role in life.

This year has been all about friends and gaming for you.  You spend a lot of time in your room "on a call"...meaning talking and gaming with friends.  We have reached the stage where you would rather hang with friends than family. I know that is a normal rite of passage, but it doesn't mean I don't miss you!  However, I am impressed with you as a friend.  You are someone who is accepting of all, and I see how people like you and are drawn to your overall goodness (and your sense of humor, of course).

This year you also reluctantly joined cross country.  I think some of your resistance was because you come from a running family.  Your first cross country meet, you were an alternate.  Some of the kids were teasing you about being an alternate and then you beat those kids in the meet.  Each week, you improved your place and time by leaps and bounds. At the last meet, you were 6th place out of almost 100 kids!  That is amazing!  How fast you are or where you place isn't what is the most important to me, though.  It is that you are improving and putting in the effort.  Your coach told your dad that you work hard at practice even when others are playing around.  That right there matters more than times or places in meets.  

You are still playing guitar and you still love music.  You recently had oral surgery and, as you were coming out of anesthesia, all you wanted to talk about was what music they played in the operating room (Pearl Jam and Nirvana).  I like how music is one of the many things you and your dad bond over.

Oh, my Jack, I could go on and on writing about you at this stage of your life.  I hope you know how very loved and valued you are.  I am so proud of you, kiddo.  Happy birthday.

Love you forever,

Mom

Dear Jack on Your 12th Birthday

 Dear Jack,

Happy birthday!  I can't believe you are already 12.  A young man.  And an outstanding young man at that.  You are smart, wickedly funny, empathetic, hard-working, and handsome as all get out.  I just think you are pretty terrific and I am so excited to celebrate the day you joined our family.

Before I had you, I had a miscarriage.  So, you can imagine how thrilled we were when we found out I was pregnant with you.  You were so, so wanted.  After you were born, I felt connected to you right away.  It was like I could sense exactly how you were feeling and what you needed.  I absolutely loved holding you and cuddling you every chance I got.  Finally, I understood what people meant by a mother's instinct.  I have always loved our special bond. As you are growing and maturing, it has been difficult for me to let go.  I so badly want to hold you close and keep you my sweet little boy forever.  I know that sounds creepy, but there it is.  

Now you are growing up and pulling away, as is expected.  You spend more time holed up in your room.  You no longer tell me everything and I no longer am able to sense exactly what you need.  But I hope you know that I see you.  I know you.  You are such an incredible person and I couldn't be prouder of the man you are becoming.  If I could have one birthday wish for you, it would be that you could find joy daily.  Life is brutiful...always try to see the beauty amidst the brutal.

So, what's going on with you right now?  You started middle school, you are in theatre, you recently started taking guitar lessons, you like to skateboard (sometimes), you still love to read, you and your sister Ellie are as thick as thieves, and you are killing it in school.  Oh, and you became our official lawn mower this past year.  I may be resisting you getting older, but I sure am happy you are old enough to mow (and at a discounted rate)!  

Sweet boy, I know I am not surprising you with a trip to Disney like I did last year, but I hope that you still have a wonderful birthday and that you feel how very loved you are.

Happy birthday, Jack-Jack.

Love you forever,

Mom

Dear Jack on your 11th birthday

Dear Jack,

Your 11th birthday was a week ago.  This is the first time I have been late writing a birthday letter, but I had a good excuse...we were at DisneyWorld!  I surprised you with a trip for your birthday and it was the most fun day ever!  I loved spending some one-on-one time with you.  You are good company.

A snapshot of you at 11...you enjoy playing soccer, you still make excellent grades in school, you still love to read, you enjoy sketching, and you absolutely hate to be bored.  

You still love costumes and dressing up.  You also have a great sense of style.  Just this morning, I asked you advice on the clothes I am wearing.  

You continue to be the most empathetic, compassionate kid I have ever met.  I love that so much about you.  Being such a sensitive person sometimes leads to a wide range of emotions...anger, joy, sadness, etc.  You tend to feel things more deeply than your siblings.  I hope you always are as empathetic towards others as you are now.

Jack, words cannot express what an amazing person I think you are.  I hope you know what an integral part of our family you are.  We love you big, Jack-Jack.  Happy birthday.

Love, 

Mom

Dear Jack on your 10th birthday

Dear Jack,

Today you are 10 years old!  Double digits!  When I was driving you to your soccer game this morning you informed me that you were now double digits and that you would be double digits for the rest of your life.  Pretty deep thought for a new 10 year old! 

This is how you have spent your birthday so far:
You played your heart out at your soccer game.  Grandma and Grandpa came to cheer you on.

Then I drove you and your favorite people to Chinatown so you could introduce them to your favorite dessert - ice cream in stuffed waffles. 

Afterward, y'all wanted to explore the shops in Chinatown and everyone picked out some Chinese candy.

Now you are building a Harry Potter Lego set we bought you for your birthday.  I think you have thanked me AT LEAST 20 times today.  You are honestly the most empathetic, kind, polite kid I have ever met.  You are awesome and everyone agrees with me!  Last week you ran for student council and were voted in easily.  People like you because you are friendly and kind to everyone.  I love that so much about you.

Jack, I am so happy you were born so I could get to know you.  I think you are the most incredible kid and I thank God every day that he sent you to our family.  Happy birthday, my sweet Jack-jack!

Love,
Mom

Dear Jack on your 9th birthday

Dear Jack,

Today you are NINE years old.  You are such a sweet kid.  Seriously, I always get compliments about how polite and kind you are.  Your Uncle Mark teaches your Primary class at church and he is always telling me that you are the best kid in the class.  Now, I know he might be biased, but I totally believe it.  He also says you are really funny and insightful.  You are not only awesome at church, but you are crushing it at school.  Your dad and I met with your teacher on Monday for parent-teacher conference and she could not stop raving about how much she loves you and how she wishes all of her students were like you.  We are so proud of you, kiddo.

Jack on his 9th birthday - cheering on his Dad's XC team

I love how big your heart is and how aware you are of the feelings of others.  Sometimes you get frustrated or angry and then you get mad at yourself and feel like you aren't a good person.  Trust me, NO ONE is happy, patient, and kind all of the time.  It's impossible.  I love that you WANT to be good and that you genuinely care about others.  I love how sensitive you are.  I hope you never feel embarrassed by your feelings or emotions - they contribute to the awesomeness that is Jack.

You still love to read more than anything.  Your birthday list consisted mainly of books that you wanted.

I never see you without a book in hand.  Your reading has helped you to become a great writer - all of the 3rd grade teachers (and a couple of 4th grade teachers) were blown away by your writing skills.  You are so creative.  I can't wait to see what you do with all that creativity in the future.

We are going to spend today together - just you and me.  I am really looking forward to hanging out with you because you are so fun to be around.  I am so thankful to have you for a son, Jack.  Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Love,
Mom

Dear Jack on your 8th birthday

Dear Jack,

Happy birthday, sweet boy! Eight years ago today, I went in for what I thought would be my final prenatal appointment before my scheduled C-section in a week's time.  However, the doctor had other ideas and she sent me to the hospital to run some tests.  I still thought that I would be out of there in time to meet Daddy and Ellie for lunch, but the doctor popped her head around the curtain and said, "Are you ready to have a baby today?"  I was not ready, but I was excited to meet you anyway!  You were born with the cutest, wrinkled forehead...like a shar pei puppy.  I couldn't get over how cute you were (and still are!).

Jack, you are such an awesome kid.  Everyone that meets you is so impressed by you.  You are thoughtful, kind, and polite.  Your heart is bigger than your body, I think.  You are so sensitive.  Sometimes I get after you for being too emotional, but I hope you never lose your sweet, sensitive spirit.  

You recently went on a Disney cruise with your grandparents and cousin Naomi for a few days.  I missed you so much while you were gone.  You are the peacemaker of the family and we count on your calming influence. 

You are still doing great in school.  I met with your teacher for parent-teacher conference this week and she kept saying how bright you are.  Your switch teacher also said how kind and bright you are and that you loved to read, but that you needed to remember to put the book away when it is time to do Math and Science.  I remember my teachers having to tell my mom the same thing.  Overall, you are a lot like your Daddy, but your love of reading is all me.  You always have a book in hand wherever we go.  

This is a big birthday for you because you are getting baptized!  You have a sweet testimony and a strong desire to do the right thing.  I am so proud of you, Jack, and of the wonderful young man you are growing into.  But you still have to always remember you are my baby and never stop giving me hugs.

I love you forever,

Mom

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,

Today you turn 7!  This past year you hit a growth spurt and have gotten so tall.  I like to push down on the top of your head and tell you to stop growing, to please stay my little boy forever.  You always respond by hugging me and promising me that you will always be my boy and you will never stop giving me hugs.  You really are the sweetest, most cuddly boy I have ever met.  You love to climb onto my lap or snuggle up next to me and you tell me that I am the best mom in the world and that you are so thankful for everything I do for you.  And your big sister will be in the background groaning and rolling her eyes, but I just soak it right up. 

I met with your 1^st grade teacher (Mrs. Tom, a name we both love) yesterday for parent-teacher conferences.  She showed me your work and talked about how bright you are and how she is trying to find more advanced work for you so you don’t feel too bored.  You got a 100 on the district math assessment and you are already reading way above your grade level.  She showed me your writing and talked at length about how impressed she was with your story development and use of various punctuation.  She did mention that you do have a problem with falling asleep in class, though.  Last night I decided to pop my head back into your room even though I thought for sure you were sound asleep.  Your eyes were open and something prompted me to ask if you had anything hidden under your blankets.  Sure enough, you pulled out a book.  No wonder you are falling asleep in school.

You have been working really hard lately on being a good big brother to Sam.  Sam can be so challenging and he tends to frustrate you and put you on edge.  But you have been trying so hard to stay calm and to spend more time playing with him.  Sam has started telling everyone that “Jack is my friend” and he copies your every movement.  I hope you continue to be such a good example for him and that you will always look out for him.

Jack, I love you more than words can say. I hope year 7 is the best year yet.  Happy birthday, Jackeroni.

I love you forever,

Mom

Dear Jack at 6 years

*I wrote this yesterday, on Jack's birthday, but Blogger on my phone crashed after typing the whole thing*

Dear Jack,

Today you turned 6 years old!  We spent this 3-day weekend celebrating like crazy, but, I have to admit, I am sad to see year 5 go.  5 year old Jack was all childlike wonder and sweet sentiments.  I couldn't get enough of you.

Jack, you are the sweetest boy.  I often tell you that I love your heart and I really, really do.  You have always felt things so deeply, and sometimes that causes you to lash out in anger, but mostly it makes you incredibly loving and thoughtful.  You are always up for snuggling and telling me that I am the best mommy ever. You often thank me for taking such good care of you even though I am so busy.  My little sweetheart.

Last Friday, I overheard you comforting your cousin as she fretted about a choice she had made.  You seemed wise beyond your 5 years. But then a few minutes later you were running around screaming like a banshee and throwing buckets of water on her...still my little boy.

You started kindergarten this year and initially had a difficult time.  You were getting in trouble every day for talking.  One day when your teacher moved you away from everyone, you started talking to your shoes!  But, you have been getting fewer and fewer "reteach" moments every week and last week you had none.  When I met with your teacher today for parent-teacher conferences, she kept praising how well you do with independent work and how focused you are.

Jack, I know year six will be a wonderful year for you.  You will learn to read and write and will continue to develop your independence away from home...and from me.  Just promise me that you will never stop being my snuggle buddy.

Happy birthday, Little Man.  I love you forever.

Mom

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,

Five years ago today, you joined our family and changed our lives for the better.  Jack, you are an awesome kid.  You have so many things you love to do.  You love playing with your sister.  You two still invent the most creative, imaginative games that keep you entertained for hours.  You also love to play with Legos, your Imaginext men, and Ellie's Ken Barbie.  You kept stealing her Ken doll to dress up, so your Aunt Di bought you one for your birthday and you were super excited about it, especially because he came with a suit.

You love your suits.  Every Sunday, you are up early and digging through your closet.  Suits are your favorite and you like to pair them with a tie or bowtie.  You have a great sense of style and even in your every day outfits, I am always surprised at the outfits you pair together and how well they work.

This year you started playing soccer and you are actually really good at it!  You have a natural instinct for it, but sometimes you forget you need to stay on the field and will run over to your dad and I to share your frustrations with another player or just to tell us something that popped into your head.  Either way, you are always fun to watch.

Jack, you have such a tender heart.  If I mention that I am tired or my head hurts, you always respond so sympathetically, saying things like, "Oh, poor Mommy" and giving me a tight hug. When I interviewed you today for your birthday video, I asked you what you like to do and you said, "Cuddle with my mommy and give her hugs and kisses."  Your baby brother hates to be cuddled, so I am so thankful that you still love to spend time snuggling with me.   

You want so much to be a good boy.  Your nighttime prayers are part confessional, part therapy sessions.  In them you share all your frustrations and mistakes of the day, but you always include, "I love this family of mine."  Jack, you feel things so deeply.  You ricochet from being the happiest boy in the world to being in the depths of despair.  Sometimes when you are sad or angry, you say hurtful things because you want to make others feel sad, too.  You always feel bad about it later, though, and tell me, "I am not the best Jack in the world." Jack, to me, you are always the best Jack in the world.  I love you no matter what. Happy birthday, sweet boy.

Love,
Mama

Dear Jack at 4 years

Dear Jack,

I didn't write you your letter on your birthday because we were so busy celebrating.  I love that you are now old enough, and opinionated enough, to dictate exactly how you want your birthday to go.  You wanted a superhero party, you wanted everyone to come dressed up, you wanted a bouncy-house, and you wanted a BIG Spiderman for your present.  I am happy to say that you got everything you wanted for your birthday.

Jack, I feel like this past year has been a challenging one for you.  You went from being the baby of the family to being the middle-child.  And while you love, love, love your baby brother, I know that you have struggled with losing some of the attention.  I have loved watching you interact with your brother, though.  From day one, you have always wanted to hold him.  Now he is too big and heavy for you to hold, but you still like to be near him and make him smile.  You are a great big brother.

You are such a boy.  You love superheroes, playing chase, teasing your big sister, wrestling with your friend Luke, and just being loud. However, you are also very sensitive.  You are emotional, quick to anger, and often times fearful.  Your sensitive nature makes you very tenderhearted.  You show concern when others are sick or hurt. And you are very protective over your family.

Jack, lately you have been so afraid of being left.  I always tell you that I will never leave you.  That you are the only Jack I have and there is no one else like you.  I truly mean that, little man.  Happy birthday.

Love,
Mama

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,

Today you are three years old! You are so excited about your birthday. We had to sing Happy Birthday to you several times this morning while you were enjoying your birthday breakfast of cinnamon rolls.

You are such a funny kid, Jack. When you were a baby, I predicted you would be a quiet, sober child. I couldn't have been more wrong. You love to wrestle and chase your sister, tease and make jokes, and just be a total boy. You used to be so shy around new people, scowling at them whenever they approached you, but now you go up to total strangers and start telling them all sorts of random information. You are outgoing and loud and high energy and I couldn't love you more!

You and your sister have such a great relationship. You refer to her as "my Ellie-sister" and want to do everything she does. Your favorite game to play together is "Baby Kitten" where Ellie is the kitten and you take care of her. Not a day goes by that I don't hear you calling, "baby kitten!" and Ellie mewing her replies.

You have recently become potty-trained and you are oh so proud of yourself and your big boy superhero underwear. I try to tell you that you are still my baby, but you get mad and say you are not a baby, you are Jackie Kenny. You also say you are 5, not 3. Did I mention that you are very stubborn? But, Jack, you are still my cuddly boy. You love to snuggle under the blanket with me on the couch and you are never selfish with the hugs and kisses.

I recently reread your birth story and was reminded of the overwhelming joy I felt when you were born. You continue to bring so much joy to our lives every day and I cannot imagine our family without you. I love you, little man. Happy birthday.

Mommy

Dear Jack

Dear Jack,

Today marks two years since you joined our family. Although the thought of you growing up saddens me, I was still very excited to celebrate your birthday with you. I spent several weeks planning a Sesame Street themed birthday party because you love the characters so much (especially Ernie and Elmo, with Cookie Monster coming in a distant third). We celebrated your birthday a couple of days ago and ever since then you have been talking about your birthday. I am not really sure what you are saying about it as the only word I can consistently make out is “birthday.” This morning, Ellie, your dad, and I went into your room together to wake you up. We sang Happy Birthday to you while you bounced around your crib in excitement. I kept telling you “happy birthday” and you kept replying “happy birthday” right back.

You have evolved from one word commands to 3-4 word sentences. You love to sing and will serenade us every morning on the way to school. You can throw a tantrum that makes everyone stop and stare in awe at the force of your emotion. You are willful and impatient, but you are also incredibly loving and sweet.

You are such a boy. You prefer outside to inside, running to walking, jumping to standing. You like to throw balls and push cars. Your favorite thing right now is Jeeps. You are an expert at spotting Jeeps on the road, shouting out “Jeep! Beep, beep!” You still have a bit of a shoe obsession and you will clomp around in anything from your dad’s running shoes to your sister’s dress-up shoes (ok, so maybe you aren’t ALL boy).

Jack, it seems so strange to me that just two years ago I hadn’t even met you yet. It feels as though I have known you and loved you forever. Happy birthday, my sweet boy.

Mama

Dear Jack: 18 months

Dear Jack,

Today you are eighteen months old. It seems like every day you are turning into more boy and less baby. We no longer have a room in the house that is Jack-proof because you have found a way to make even the most innocent of objects dangerous. You attempt to climb everything in sight, toys are made for throwing at high speeds, and chairs are yours to move around as you please so you can reach objects placed out of your reach.

You are full of smiles and laughter, but only for those you know and love. If a stranger attempts to coax a smile out of you, you will give him the classic Jack stare-down with furrowed brows. This look is so intense that it stops everyone in their tracks. You also bestow this look upon your family when we aren’t meeting all of your demands. In fact, if something is taken away from you or if you are frustrated by not being able to do something, you immediately switch from happy Jack to screaming Jack. Your tantrums are legendary, but also very funny.

You are such a loving, affectionate, little guy. You frequently pause mid-play to run over and hug Ellie, me, or your daddy. You say our names over and over again while wrapping your chubby, little arms around us (you finally moved past the head-butt hugs). You have a funny sense of humor and are always trying to make us laugh, whether it is by putting something on your head or walking in a funny way.

You always want Ellie to play with you and if she is busy playing Wii or watching TV, you will go turn the TV off over and over again until she gives up and chases you around the house. You still like to imitate her every move and even her speech. Your favorite thing lately is to go in her closet and put on her shoes. You then clomp around the house with the biggest grin on your face. You like to imitate me as well and I take full credit for what a great husband you will make someday. You take wet wipes and clean off all surfaces. Any trash you find goes in the garbage. You love to take the broom and push it around the house. And when you play in your little kitchen, you like to wear an apron.

Your speech is slowly developing into more than just one-word responses. Your favorite word still seems to be “mine,” but now you have mastered two-word commands as well. You love to say “No touching” while wagging your finger and grinning at us. My favorite thing you say, or course, is “I love you.”

Jack, you are fun and mischievous and oh so lovable. You bring so much joy to our family and it is hard to imagine how we ever did without you.

Love you forever,

Mommy